How to Not Get the Job


Interviews can be tough, Xbox is fun so here’s a list of things to do if you just don’t want the job because everyone knows that Xbox is more fun than work but you read somewhere you should love what you do and that…is Xbox

  1. Be late – Absence makes the heart grow fonder; keep them waiting a bit and by the time you get there, they’ll be begging for you to start.
  2. Don’t prepare – Prioritising is one of your key skills; you said so on your CV. To that end you prioritised everything ahead of the interview. It’s a tough life cookie and you, Ms Interviewer were not my priority. Besides, it’s important that you work with people who can handle rejection and disappointment.
  3. Dress like you have just rolled out of bed – …because you have in fact, just rolled out of bed
  4. Appear completely disinterested – Please see previous comment re. Xbox.
  5. Be critical of your past employers – Nothing is ever your fault and a good interviewer will recognise this. Your last employer was terribly inflexible and the reason for your departure was of course completely down to them. Honesty is another of your key skills.
  6. Chew Gum – Because the world needs reminding of the sound of a horse chewing a Mars Bar.
  7. Text during the interview – Why not? You’re good at multi-tasking and you need to organise cocktails at lunch…make that good at multi-tasking and organised.
  8. Be completely vague – Because when someone can’t understand what you do it clearly means you’re much smarter than them. Being smart makes you employable. Besides, ambiguity is sexy and you are #totessexy.
  9. Provide lots (and lots) of personal information  They need to know you may need time of for hangovers, a turbulent love life and duvet days and you want to make sure your future employer is a conscientious and considerate one. 
  10. Ask personal questions of the interviewer – This is an interview for them too, you need to ensure that you have enough information to decide if you want to work there. If this relationship is to work, you need to know what you’re getting yourself in for. Quid pro quo, it was in a movie, once.

I think this will do for now and I’ll update at some point…maybe. Feel free to pitch in with some of your own.


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